Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Adventures in Dating

So, with the dating pool at my church completely dried out and beginning to crack, I have resorted to the Internet dating OCEAN. I signed up for a couple of different websites and on each profile I explicitly asked to only be contacted by Christian men. Well, apparently that is like a beacon for anyone other than a Christian...but all say they are or at least believe in God..right. So I made up my mind that I would just go out with these other guys anyway and "practice dating" with them, against Andreas advice...so off I go. Date #1 East Indian man who "claimed" to be 38 but when he read his menu he pulled out the bifocals, he also "claimed" on his profile to be 5'10" tall, I am 5'10" and he barely came up to my chin and I was in flats... uh I think not! The date went fine but I knew right away I was not interested so lets eat right? When dinner was over the man turned into an octopus and tried to stick his tongue down my throat...I pushed him away and said he was GROSS, I am pretty sure he understood because he ran away with a hurt look on his face. I DON'T CARE..He was nasty. EWWW. So on to date #2 Jewboy...He said he was a Messianic Jew...uh I think not...Just plain ol' JEW. No Jesus just Jew. Already looking at him sideways, I was on the lookout for other lies...we go to Rainforrest cafe' and folks we have a talker!! He talked and talked for what seemed like forever about NOTHING..well I shouldn't say nothing I am sure that some women would be very impressed with his winning first place in the 06' bellyflop contest in Ennis Texas. But not I. Blah blah blah. He then said "I got tickets to the Stars game for Friday and it will be late when the game is over...do you think I could SLEEP ON YOUR COUCH so I wouldn't have to drive home". I said "HEll NO"...As if that wasn't bad enough the bill comes and I said thank you for dinner, I offered to get the tip,I don't know what he heard because he closed the little black bill cover thingy and as he slid it across the table in my direction he said "I will let you look at it and let you be the judge of what you want to contribute". I looked at the unopened little black bill cover thingy for a second and with my index finger I pushed it back across the table, raised my eyebrows and said "I will get the tip". I was thinking don't make me act a fool up in here. He dropped it. And I thought he IS Jewish. I know it is a stereotype, but it is for a REASON!! After dinner we walked around the mall and I had my purse on one arm and I tried to keep it on the same side as he was at all times. Because he kept trying to hold my hand..I was like " I just met you dude, seriously?" He kept on getting grabby with the hand. So I bought something. AH HA. Now I had a purse in one hand and a bag in the other. No hand holding now. I know this next part is going to sound really bad, but hey, I never claimed to be perfect...so I wanted to find out how cheap this guy really is..so I go to Neimans to try on some shoes..yep Prada,Fendi,Gucci,Monolos, as shallow as it is I love labels...I was trying to see how much of an issue he would have with the cost of these shoes...needless to say it was a big problem.He wanted to go to PAYLESS SHOESOURCE... Elcheapo..for sure. After another comment on my anatomy and countless other inappropriate incidents, I was ready to go. I left him with a hug and he said " mmmm...love handles" ...like mmmm, campbells soup...gross huh? I waited till he called me later that evening and I told him EVERYTHING he did wrong and that it was OVA. I have been on more "normal" dates, but I hope you have enjoyed these... I will keep you posted on some of the best ones. Love you long time....Lisa

12 comments:

Jonathan, Andrea and Luke said...

LOL!! Wow.....your singleness is so encouraging. I'm sure E and P just want to run right out there and start dating right along with you! LOL!!

Jonathan, Andrea and Luke said...

P.S. I'm actually impressed by the Belly Flop contest in Ennis. FYI

Ericka O'Malley said...

Lisa are you CRAZY? The belly-flop guy sounds AWESOME. Can I have his number?

LOL, if only I could be a fly on the wall during these dates. I'd bring popcorn and just watch.

Lisa Allen said...

yes you can have his number it is...214-I never-wrote it down! Come on girls this is fun for me...don't cha wanna join me??? NO??

The Waters Family said...

Oh my goodness-- This is hilarious-- LOL Well, On the first date I had with my husband, I held his hand and french kissed on the top of a mountain! LOL Well, keep the dating adventures coming!

Jonathan, Andrea and Luke said...

Honey, I'm struggling with your font color. It's hurting my eyes. Can you change it to white?

Penny said...

Now, Lisa which one of these guys is the one you called us from the bathroom and said call me in 15 minutes with an emergency to get you out of the date? I can't remember if it was belly flop guy or tongue down the throat guy. You forgot to blog about Chef "K" Doesn't he count? How has it been this week? Maybe you can get a date with a McDreamy or McSteamy or McSomething. Sending you a text tomorrow. Look for it.
It's of Santa !!!!

Lisa Allen said...

Oh yes the Chef K story is coming soon...Mcsteamy...I would settle for McNormal..I love Santa texts..you should see the one I got the other day...Hubba hubba

Jonathan, Andrea and Luke said...

Just still wished your font was white colored.

Ericka O'Malley said...

Andrea, what color do you see?? It is white.

Lisa Allen said...

uh A, I changed it for you a while ago...

Krista Kay said...

Hi Lisa - Krista from Ohio - remember me - Had to check out the dating story. Just so you know - Andrea set me up with my current husband. She may have some good advice...sometimes...Keep up with the stories. Men are just stupid sometimes no matter what else they "claim" to be. Hang in there sista!!