Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The Prophet...

First of all I think this will be a lengthy post...just be warned alot of information has to be given...I was invited to go and see and experience this man that my client called "the prophet" at this church that she has just started to attend. I am not going to say which church it is, because...well that is just not cool...Once my client,who is so sweet, showed up, we went inside and she introduced me to the barista at the coffee bar, and she also pointed me to the sign that read "Welcome, as a first time visitor, please enjoy a cup of coffee free of charge". I have invited her to The Village and she has come a time or two. But she had a little something in her voice when she pointed to the sign and said " isn't this nice?"In my mind I was like " well, actually yes it is." But in my mind I was like " she is trying to sell me on this place. She just doesn't get it." We went inside with our perfectly hot cups of coffee and sat down in a seat. I saw that there were these ladies milling around, mumbling and chanting. I was like " oh cool, they are praying over the sanctuary. I love charisthmatic (sp?) churches, "go ahead girl!!" Then they broke out the institutional sized bottle of Olive oil and began wiping the backs of the seats and praying for them and the folks that sat in them....At this point there were already people sitting in the chairs...not weird or uncomfortable at all....so the night has begun and the preacher gets up and starts yelling into the microphone...really all I can say was there was a lot of yelling...a lot of yelling. Within approximately 3.5 minutes he whips out this paper and says that they need 60,000 dollars for new renovations. I was like here we go...a sermon on 2 Kings chapter 4 about " what is in your house"...then " the prophet" gets up to speak and he is somethin' else. He is a beautiful black man with shiny ,wavy hair and peircing eyes. He is dressed in this electric blue suit with slick black shoes. He was a great speaker with this loud raspy voice. He had a great inflection. Now it must be noted that my client called this man a prophet and I thought nothing of it until he referred to himself as "The Prophet".He never said he was gifted in prophecy but only called himself "The Prophet". He begins to speak louder and louder and paces back and forth asking for the Holy Spirit to help him because he wasn't getting enough feedback from the audience.... by this point he is breaking a sweat. I am not kidding you when I say...then the show began...he actually had an assistant who was dressed from head to toe in white, like a nurse,stockings, shoes, hair clippie everything was white, her sole job was to hold this mans jacket and hand him clean white towels to wipe his brow...I was just drinking it all in...as he is speaking louder and faster, I am listening to what he is saying, praying for some truth to spew from his lips...he said at one point that "if he just passed by you and his shadow fell on you, you would be blessed"...REALLY. He also said that if he gave you this prophecy and it didn't happen then YOU must have done something to prevent it from actually taking place...covering some bases this guy.... He said something about the word of God agreeing with what he said, he then said "you may say, where is that in the Bible? I say, look in your concordance and look it up I don't have the time to go through all that tonight"!!!!!!! Amens and preach on preacher were popping out all over the place...I was like.. give me a break!! I told you this would be long but please stick with me as this is fixing to get really good....ok so he starts hinting for money, and when I say hinting I mean out right saying, if you want a blessing it is gonna cost you some money. So all these people get up to stand in a line, at the end of the line stands a man with this collection bag. He has all kinds of helpers around this place and the more I start to count, the more people I added were "working " the joint than were guests. So the people were not allowed to put the money in the bag right away, they just had to stand there, awkward I thought but what do I know...I will tell you later what I know....So then the people put the money in the bag and they all dance around to some kind of happy to get some money music and eventually they go back to their seat and dance in front of that. I am just kind of clapping and watching EVERYTHING. Then "the prophet" comes out into the audience to be all prophetic and bless people with his shadow and stuff....he makes one lady come out into the isle and yells in her face about money and finances and screams about depression and some general kinds of things then puts his hand on her head and yells a little more and she falls down on the ground, crying and rolling around. It was so well orchestrated, someone was there behind her to catch her. Someone was there with this red blanket to put over the fallen person, I guess to provide some privacy for the blessed. It was just like you see on t.v.. This went on for a while, the same scene over and over. One old man in front of me was next and he just like all of the others fell down and he was crying...then, just then I caught it...he opened his eyes and looked right at me....I knew right then he was also in on it...gotcha buddy. I was overwhelmed with the urge to pray for these people and the people who buying into this crap. I began to pray hard. I closed my eyes and just asked God to protect these vulnerable people. I opened my eyes and there he was," the freakin' prophet" hand stretched out for me to come into the isle, I was like NOOOOO. But then I was like lets see why these folks are falling down....so here I go, I step out and look him dead in the eye, I began to pray for him and his heart and I heard a few of the things he said...he said I was chosen from birth and he sees a big ministry for me and hundreds of women coming to the Lord through my ministry...I was thinking "anybody ANYBODY can speak a little bit of truth"...He went on about some stuff and he broke my gaze and went right to my tattooed arm, he went on about me not fitting it because I was different, and I just about laughed in his face.He couldn't have been further from the truth,but I prayed for him...then he grabbed my head and squeezed the crap out of it...I was like HOLY CRAP!...no wonder all of these people fall down and cry, that HURT. My people were there, the dude behind me to break my fall, the lady with the blanket, everybody was ready for my, whatever you call that. But I wasn't having it, he pushed me and wriggled my head under his heavy hand but I stood my ground, slightly dizzy from the smashing of the vein on the side of my head, but I wasn't going down.No way. He removed his hand and I looked up at him smiled and said thank you...oooh that must have really pissed him off because he made some motion to his people and I had a whole mess of people on me....one lady grabbed my stomach and some dude had my shoulders...I think they thought I was possessed cause they were shaking me and pulling me, I was just like OH CRAP!!! Then from behind somebody grabbed my head and the lady who had my stomach pushed at the same time and down I went. Here came my blanket. I am dead serious. I of course jumped right back up and went back to my seat, amid dirty looks and scoffs of disbelief at my actions, but I smiled and kept on praying. I was a definate threat to the bottom line. The whole evening was like that...over and over ....I was just shocked at the audacity. At the end he was telling everyone to get up and give 100.00 and he actually said " to the single mothers and the people on fixed income to go and sell their jewelry and the gold in their mouths, and give that money to the church and their income would get unfixed"...he referred back to the 2 Kings message and said go sell what is in you house...I had heard enough along time ago but I had locked my keys in my car and had to wait for my client to be ready to leave, I think the Lord wanted me there so that I could pray for these people. Remember I told you that I would tell you what I DO know....I know the truth when I hear it. God gave me great discernment in this area...and that was NOT it!!! Prophet...yeah right. He is damn good brain squeezer though. Sorry it was so long but it was a must post...thanks for reading....L.

8 comments:

Jonathan, Andrea and Luke said...

Girl. Unbelievable. Wow. All I'm going to say is that I thank God we have a church where we are taught the true word of God and this is exactly opposite of what the bible says. I'm so sorry girl.
Unbelievable. And you locked your keys in your car. Yep. You were there to pray. Because....I KNOW YOU. Wow.
Call me am.
Love you

Deborah said...

I lurk from Andrea's blog.

I had to giggle reading this. All I can say is, you are a strong woman. I probably would have run out the door screaming when it was my turn to be tossed in the floor. God bless you for holding your ground, and in such a nice way.

Glad you got out of that place in one piece.

Ericka O'Malley said...

Is this for REAL? Wow, you were definitely there to pray! I need to read this again, wow what a story Lisa!

The Waters Family said...

whoa- Lisa you are such a good writer story reteller-- but whoa- that is really strange and sad. I would have been so uncomfortable I would have left or not gone up there - wow.

Andrea Bodandria fandria fango dango said...

Still amazed by this story.

Jenna Consolo said...

Even reading that didn't feel like the Lord's way. That is almost creepy! I've never been to something like that, and thanks to your review, I'll avoid it forever. Good for you for standing your ground and seeing through it all! What a scam, in the name of the Lord! Yikes.

Lindsey Brittain said...

"He is a damn good brain squeezer".... I love it....

Patyrish said...

TOTALLY SCARY in MORE WAYS THAN ONE. Can't believe he squeezed your head like that. I guess that's his warning that if you don't keel over when he pushes you he'll squeeze your head right off?